Just In Time To See My Heart Still Beating
by Ygraine
Summary: Takes place during HBP, Contains Minor Spoliers, Tonks Tells Remus something he doesn't really want to hear. RemusTonks
1. Chapter 1

Title: **Just In Time To See My Heart Still Beating.**

Author: **Ygraine**

Summery: **Takes place during HBP, Tonks tells Remus something he doesn't really want to hear.**

A/N: **This is going to be a one shot unless people want me to continue, then maybe i'll continue, but for the moment...enjoy!**

He Tonks and Sirius, spent quite a lot of time together at Grimmauld pace (when Remus and Tonks weren't doing things for the Order that was) it involved alcohol and laughing, Sirius kept putting his arm around Tonks and calling her 'My little cousin' and giving Remus suggestive winks. He thought naturally that Srius and Tonks were begining to have some form of relationship. His suspicions were confirmed when Tonks became depressed after Sirius' death.

It was three weeks after she got back from the hospital did she tell him the truth.

While in St Mungos Remus visited Tonks rather regulary, it made him feel better, made him feel like he doing something, Tonks seemed to enjoy it to, she was a bit like Sirius when it came to that, hated not doing something. Remus liked to think that he eased the pain of hospitals, after spending so much of his childhood in the hospital wing at Hogwarts...

The day after she got out, Remus escorted her home, and as soon as they sat down at her kitchen table for a cup of coffee, she burst into tears.

"Oh Merlin, it's all my fault!" She wailed over the kettle.

Remus jumped up and took her by the shoulders and turned her around to face him. "What's your fault?"

"Siruis." She sniffed, and Remus conjured a tissue and she blew her nose. "I was fighting Bellatrix before Sirius was...if I hadn't got myself iinjured then Sirius would still be here today."

Remus furrowed his eyebrows, "no, don't be stupid. It wasn't your fault, it was none of the Orders fault." She wailed again and Remus took her into an embrace. He felt uncomfortable at first, her being ten years younger than him, but she needed to be held so badly. "Dumbledore tells me Harry's beating himself up as well."

Tonks sniffed again, and looked up at him and wiped her nose with the back of her hand, tissue still grasped tightly in the same hand. "Why?"

"Voldemort tricked him into thinking that he had Sirius. Should have known that he would do something Harry would do...James was excatly the same. Harry feels responceable for leading the order there, said that he he hadn't been 'such and idiot' his words, no one would have been hurt..."

Tonks looked down at her hands, Remus's hands her now resting lightly on her hips. "But Harry wasn't to know about Voldemort, I mean everything else was true...the snake attaking Arthur, why wouldn't this be true?"

"He was meant to be learning Oclumency, Snape threwh him out." Tonks made a face. "Still your right, Harry did try to get hold of us, used Umbridges fire, got Kreatcher and he lied." He closed his eyes and looked away. "It's such a mess..."

"Still," said Tonks brightening up. "One good thing came out from it."

"What's that?"

"Fudge knows now that Voldemort's back."

To that he had to agree.

X

After that, when she came to order meetings and to the meal afterwards that always followed at The Weasleys, they would always sit next to each other, for the same reason, they had both lost someone close to them. They would talk about simple things like Quidditch and the more complex things like the Muggle offside rule in football that their fathers insisted they both learn, and sometimes they would talk about the war, but that always led to dreadfully depressing subjects about deaths and murders that niether of them desperatley wanted to talk about it, unless it was very important...like today.

"Amelia Bones is dead?" Tonks asked rather loudly butting into Molly and Bills conversation, Remus, not having read the paper that day raised his head, now listening attentivelty too. "Who?"

"No one's too sure...found dead in a room, locked from the inside." Molly said, getting himself some more mash potato.

"Suicide perhaps?" Remus asked sipping on his drink.

"No." Bill interjected. "It was the killing curse, the Death Eater obviously disapperted..."

"Is that even possible in the Ministry?" Molly asked, taking the peas from Ron.

"Shouldn't be." Kingsley said, stabbing his beef with his fork. "But these days, it could have been anyone, maybe they were able to lower the wards with just enough time to Disapperate. There was no fire place, so I can't think of any other way..."

Remus stayed for a drink afterwards and Tonks talked to Molly about...actually he didn't know what about, he swore he heard the word dress so he guessed that they were talking about Bill and Fleurs wedding, and switched off accordingly. He thought a great deal about the next Quidditch game that would most likely be cancelled like all the other ones. He didn't know why they just didn't cancel quidditch officially, stop getting peoples hopes up for another match. Morale he supposed, but there was no point of keeping Quidditch going for Morale purposes if they cancelled each match indepentdently. He carried on his silent debate in his head until he heard his name called.

"What?" He asked blinking.

"I was wondering if you wanted something from the pantry, another brandy?" Molly asked. Brandy, so that's what he had been drinking, there came a day in every mans life where he became like his father and stopped with the beer and started drinking...'proper drinks.' Merlin he was getting old.

"Um, have you anything else?"

"Er...I think, that Bill brought some muggle beer with him..."

"Perfect." Molly smiled and got her coat on and made he way to the pantry, which for some reason was outside, he didn't remember that before...no infact he could see the pantry from here...strange, maybe she went to get some eggs on the way...that would make sense, strange time to do it, he always thought you collected eggs in the morning...

"Remus..." Tonks said sliding into the chair oppisite him.

"Hmmm?" How many of those brandy's had the Weasleys given him? He didn't remember drinking that many, again he didn't remember ever drinking brandy. The effects were good...maybe he should drink brandy more often, maybe that's why old men drunk it, to ease the mental anguish of becoming old...

"I need to speak with you."

"What about Nymphadora?"

"How many times have I told you not to call me that?"

"Sorry," he chuckled, "couldn't resist it." Merlin, he was drunk...This was not him normally, he rarely called Tonks Nymphadora..."Nymph," he muttered, chuckling still, and _never Nymph. _

"Seriously Remus." He straightened himself up and muttered an apology. "I've had a really fun time with you, I realised that I love spending time with you...even if it's just talking or even playing scrabble in the hospital." She let her self have a little smile, but it soon fell. "I care for you greatly Remus."

_What? _He thought to himself. "I do too Tonks, you know that" She sighed and got up and say next to him and took hold of his hands and looked deep into his eyes. Her eyes were dark, he never actually realised that before, how dark her eyes were, he guessed his focus always went to her hair. He furrowed his eyebrows and shook his head lightly in question.

She took a deep breath and cupped his face, and kissed him, very lightly very passionately, this was not a kiss between friends...Remus jerked back. "No!" The drunk feeling went in a moment, and suddenly he longed for it to come back.

"No?" Tonks asked. "Yes you mean...Remus..." She swallowed. "Remus, I think I love you." She was nearly in tears when she said that and it looked like she was having diffeculty saying it, like it ha dbeen built up in a bottle and now there was an explosion.

He blinked. Oh Merlin...where was Molly with that beer. She couldn't be, with him of all people. "No, you don't. Your just in grief because Sirius died that's all."

She shook her head vehemently. "No, I love you. I can't sleep, I'm barely eating, I can't morph, my hair, it's the only thing that's...oh Remus, please listen to me..." She was crying now, was it just him or was the pink in her hair having that washed out look about it? "Please tell me you feel something too..."

"I..." He had never really thought about it before, Tonks was younger than him, a comrade in arms against Voldemort, he never really thought about it deeply. But now as he did a clear answer came to mind _Yes_ he did feel something, very much so... "It doesn't matter, because I could never be with you."

She suddenly looked insulted. "Why, is it the hair? Cos I could change the hair."

"It's not the hair, it's...me, I'm dangerous...I'm a werewolf, most women don't want to crawl into bed with one, I'm..."

"I do! I'm not most women Remus."

"...Too poor," he carried on as though he hadn't heard her. "And too old. I'm not a young man, you know Harry?" he didn't wait for an answer, "I was at school with his father, he's old enough to be my son. And Snape? Was at school with him too, he taught you if I'm not mistaken..."

"I don't care Remus. Who knows how long we have left, we could all be dead by the end of the year, and I want to die, happy, with you." She leant over to kiss him again, but he turned his head at the last moment.

He let go of her hands and got up, "I hear Harry's coming tomorrow...that'll be fun..."

"Don't go changing the subject..."

"I have to go...I'll see you at the weekend Nymphadora."

"It's Tonks!"

He turned to her one final time and saw her tear streaked face, and her hair, slowly changing from pink to blonde to mousy brown before he disapperated, a few yards away.

A/N: **Oh look what is that strange thing in the corner? A review button, i want to press it...oh please review! Liked it, tell me, hated it? tell me (but be nice about it) lol, bit of a catch 22 there. Oh pwease review!**


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: **For the record (cos i'm a flobberworm and forgot it in chapter 1) I'm not JK Rowling, thought that I'd just mention that. So I don't own any of the characters that you recognise.**

Title: **Just In Time To See My Heart Still Beating.**

Author: **Ygraine**

Summery: **Takes place during HBP, Tonks tells Remus something he doesn't really want to hear.**

A/N: **We see a different side to Remus in this chapter, which some people might find slightly disturbing or just depressing**.

The wrath of Molly Weasley was not a pleasent one.

Normally it was directed at Fred and George, today it was Remus Lupin. He silently thanked Merlin that Fleur was there, because otherwise he would be getting all of the glarring. Harry also was getting a lot of attention from her as well, saying that the poor boy looked starved to death.

His thoughts went back to Tonks, they always did these past few days, it just seemed so unreal... she loved him.

There was nothing they could do about it though. She was a young thing, barely stepping out in the world. What did you know at that age, really?

_Pain, loss, betrayal..._

_Not love, never love. No one ever loved you, loathesome little werewolf._

But she did... didn't that count for something? It shouldn't mean so much to him, but it meant everything at that moment. But he could never be with her.

_Too old, too poor, too dangerous..._ He repeated it in his head like a mantra, he and Tonks could never be together, the end of the world or no. It tore his heart in two, he needed someone despreately...no, not someone, _her._

"Gravy Remus?" It was Bill, passing him the gravy boat. He took it, in a trance like state and poured it over his mash potato, not really looking. He noticed that a couple of people looked at him funny, but he didn't care. Molly took the boat from him and placed it back down on the table. Again he didn't say anything. Hermione was staring, concearned, as he picked at his potato. She was a caring girl, she really was, Harry was lucky to a have a friend like that. Anyone was lucky to have a friend like that.

_I had friends like that, James, Sirius, Peter..._

_Not anymore, they left you here to rot, wallow in self pity why don't you?...And now you've just told the woman who loves you to go away, the woman you love, could you be any more pathetic, any more stupid?_

_I don't love her._

He repeated it along with his mantra round and round in his head, firmly. _I don't love her_

Oh! When would the guilt stop! She deserved so much more than poor pathetic Remus Lupin, whose friends would rather die than spend another day with him. He knew this wasn't true but he thought it all the same. What did she see in him? What did he fail to see in himself? It was gut renching, something was tearing him apart inside, and he didn't know what to do except run out of the Burrow and hunt Nymphadora down and kiss her like she'd never been kissed before...

No! He couldn't do that, he'd hurt her in the end. The wolf inside, that was ever present telling him horrid things about himself. But deep down he knew most of them to be true already.

"How's Tonks?" He heard Harry say faintly. "She looked awfully depressed when I got here..."

"Yes" Molly muttered, shooting a glare at Remus. "Tonks is feeling a little down at the moment..."

Oh Molly stop it, I feel guilty enough as it is.

Finally he managed to finish his dinner, and he sat down on the grass in the Weasleys garden, he could clearly see Molly spying on him. His face in his hands, he tried desperately not to think about Tonks, but nothing else came to mind. A gnome out for a late nice feast glared at him. _Even her gnomes hate me..._he thought sullenly. Every time he closed his eyes all he saw was Tonks staring at him with tear filled eyes; _"Remus, I think I love you."_

He shook his head to get the thoughts out, but they refused to go, that kiss, if only for a moment...it had been years since any one had kissed him like that, and he longed for it again, just to taste her, to hold her, to breathe her in, if only for a moment.

_You can't...you know that. _

_I know._

_You'd just end up hurting her, and Merlin does she deserve better than a werewolf for a lover._

_I know_

He took a deep breath of the summer air, even though he knew these things, they still hurt. He sqeezed his eyes shut and he felt a tear seep down and fall down his cheek.

"Professor?"

He wiped his face clean and turned, there was Hermione, standing there and a light smile on her face. "Remus."

"Pardon?"

"I'm not your teacher any more Hermione, my name's Remus."

She smiled and walked futher into the garden. "Are you alright?"

He swallowed. "Yes, I'm fine, why wouldn't I be?" _Outright liar!_

"Oh it's just you looked a little distant, I was merely concerned." He smiled lightly at her, she came and sat down next to him. "What have you been up to recently?"

_Just tearing up a young womans heart._

"Oh, nothing much. Yourself?"

She talked for a while about the summer, the mere week she'd spent with her parents, before she was back here. "I told them that I would be safer here..." How she was slightly disappointed in her 'E' in Defense, and how Harry had got an 'O' and how she knew she could have done better if he'd taught them in their final O.W.L year instead of that _awful_ woman. "She was so biased, and refused to even begin to imagine that Voldemort might be back, well, who's laughing now." She muttered darkly.

He looked at his watch, it was getting late. I really must be off now Hermione, will you tell the others bye for me?" she nodded and Remus jumped over the garden wall (he'd have to speak to them about that, easier for some one to get in) and Apperated to his home in Yorkshire.

As soon as he got there he curled up in his nice warm (well, as warm as he could afford) bed and did something very unmanly.

He cried.

Cried about his friends, loosing James, Peter, Sirius, gaining Siruis only to loose him again. Cried about being the only one left, the only Marauder. Cried how they once thought they were invincible but how they were really cursed from the beginning. Cried, because when he closed his eyes the only thing he saw was Nymphadora Tonks' eyes, tear full, full of hope and love and how he destroyed her. Cried that he would never feel her soft loving lips on his again. Cried that there was some one out there who loved him, when he couldn't even love himself.

His cheeks stung, and he could taste the salty tears when they fell onto his lips.

He wondered briefly whether Tonks was feeling as bad as he was. _Probably worse_, his heart tore open again with guilt and he wailed softly into his pillow at the thought that he could never be with her. _I don't love her, I don't love her. _ How could he do this to himself, how could he do this to her?

_You have to, you can't be with her, if you care about her, break her heart, but let her move on, let her be loved by a man who could bring her happiness, lavish her with gifts and love that a wonderous woman like her deserves. You don't deserve her, no one deserves you, you know this. Stop falling into delusions that you can be loved, all you do is hurt them, get them killed._

_That's not true!_

_Yes it is, even so, you're far too old for her, how old are you? Thirty-six? You look a hundred years old. You can't provide for her, she'll live in squalor with you, with nothing than cabbage soup to eat..._

Again he wailed into his pillow. Why was the wolf being like this? It was two weeks until the full moon.

_This isn't the wolf, it's yourself. Self loathing._

_I don't love her, I don't love her, I don't love her..._

But he did. By Merlin he did, loved her so much it hurt. But he could never be with her.

He did the only thing he could do.

He cried into his pillow, like the pathetic little man he was.

TBC

A/N: Continued due to popular support, but i have a feeling that your not going to like that chapter. But it had to be done, and I wanted it early on so it fitted. Please please please review! I'll love you forever!

Thank you to every one who reviewed! I loved them all! And as someone mentioned, I do need a beta, i don't have word and i'm writing this in wordpad, with no spell check! Argh! Any volunteers?


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer**: For the record, I'm not JK Rowling, thought that I'd just mention that. So I don't own any of the characters that you recognise.

**Title**: Just In Time To See My Heart Still Beating.

**Author:** Ygraine

**Summery:** Takes place during HBP, Tonks tells Remus something he doesn't really want to hear.

**Chapter 3: **Tonk's point of view on the whole situation at hand :)

Nymphadora Tonks was not a happy girl...

Woman, she reminded herself. If Remus was going to see himself as too old for her, she needed to be mature about herself, and the first step of that was recognising herself as a woman, not a girl. But as she looked out her window at the October rain she could feel the tears come. Today brought yet another unsuccessfulattempt at winning Remus Lupin's heart. He barely even looked at her, he said that he wanted to remain friends, but by the looks of things he was merely repeating what people had told him.

There was a knock on her bedroom door and her mother walked in with a tea tray. Tonks' stomach fell, still living at home...what a way to impress him with maturity.

_There's a war going on, mum wanted me close that's all..._

But she knew that she had to leave, it wasn't right for a twenty-three year old to be at home still, but she couldn't move out now. Her mother was having kittens about her safety, especially after what happened to Sirius...

"I thought that you might like a sandwich Nymphadora."

Tonks gave a small smile and her mother put the tray on the desk and left again, and Tonks' thoughts went back to Remus. She loved him, she knew she did. Well if this was love, then she didn't want to be in love. It just hurt too much.

She brought her knees up so that they nestled under her chin. She was sitting on her bed, feeling tears spill down her cheeks. Why didn't he want her? Was it the way she looked? Did he not find her attractive? No, Remus wasn't shallow. She wiped her eyes, and tried morphing again, again, nothing. Even her hair remained the same lank colour as it was before.

Furrowing her eyebrows she studied herself in the mirror by her bed more closely, trying to look past all the Weird Sister stickers put their in her youth. She didn't remember her hair ever being that colour. No...It was darker than that naturally, she was sure... Lightly, she ran her fingers through it; it was a different texture than hair normally was, like stroking a long haired dog almost...

She snatched her hand away, like her hair had stung her, and bit her lip slightly. Was that even possible? Metamorphmagi transformationsweren't like Anamagi or even werewolf transformations. Could she really be becoming like Remus in a way? Her hair colour was the same colour as Remus's as well, and she guessed it stayed that colour in his wolf form. This was not good. Had anyone else noticed? Molly knew the situation in itsentirety, but as far as she knew that was it, apart from Remus of course...

But that comment that Snape had made. It was true, her Patronus had changed into a wolf, and Remuswas her protector, in her heart body and soul. Oh Merlin, she needed him. She wailed again, rather loudly at that because her mother came in.

"What's wrong, are you hurt?" Then she saw her daughter weeping. "Oh 'Dora, honey bunch..." She sat next to her on the bed, and wrapped her arms around her, Tonks replied to the embrace. "What on earth's wrong?"

"He doesn't love me!" She wailed. She sounded just like a little girl…

"Who?"

"Remus..."

"Lupin? The werewolf who taught at Hogwarts a few years ago?" Tonks nodded, her mothers blouse getting wet with tears. "What about him, what do you mean, he doesn't love you?"

She sniffed, "I love him, and I told him, and he said that he's too old for me..."

"Well...he must be pressing on forty..."

"He's only thirty-six mother!" She snapped harshly in his defence,pressing a fierce glance at her mother.

"Okay, but he is a werewolf..."

"What?" Her mother was against werewolves? She'd thought better from her...

"Oh, honey, I'm not a bigot...I don't care that he's a werewolf. I'm sure he's lovely; he must be if he's found a special place in your heart. But there are safety aspects to think about...as well as other things."

Tonks looked up again, glaring and pouting, "What other things?" She asked slowly...

"Well..." Andromeda repositioned herself,"I've heard...things. Werewolves generally have extremely low self confidence, self loathing in fact. He might not feel that he deserves you, it's rather complicated dear, and he probably thinks that you won't understand, and you probably don't..."

"You're meant to be making me feel better mother!" Tonks snapped.

"I'm trying to Petal, but these things aren't easy, I'm sure he cares for you greatly, but it must be complicated and confusing for the poor man. Maybe you should just walk away."

Walk away? How could mum think like that Tonks thought _I love him, and I need him_... "No..." She whispered pathetically. "I can't, don't you understand me? I'm not a child anymore." She stood up, and decided that this was the best place to say it. "I'm a woman, and I know how I feel, and I love him!"

Much to Tonks' surprise, her mother smiled. "How much do you need him 'Dora?"

She swallowed and went onto her knees on the carpeted floor. "He's up there with oxygen." she whispered.

"Then get him."

x

It took another three weeks before she saw Remus at another Ordermeeting; his mission with the werewolves meant that he couldn't attend meetings all that regularly and she was always at Hogwarts these days any way. But as soon as she saw him, her heart leapt into her mouth and her stomach did a little flip, and when he gave his report, she couldn't help but close her eyes and listen to his voice** – **rather hoarse as always, but Tonks loved it – along with every thing else about him. Even the wolf part(although she wouldn't really want to come across it).

He was talking about what he had learned from the werewolves, but she wasn't actually listening to the words, just him. She did pick up the odd thing however, like Greyback...hiding...Voldemort and living conditions, but truth be told she didn't really care, all that mattered was that her Remus was safe and unharmed. But reality took hold when she thought that they really needed the werewolves on their side, if Voldemort did get the werewolves fighting for him, Tonks shivered at the mere thought of it...with Greyback leading them...

Of course, she knewthat a lot ofWerewolves were like her Remus and just wanted to be accepted. Well maybe not like her Remus, because he was rather unique in his loveliness...no what she meant was his beliefs and ways. But she couldn't deny either that some werewolves did think differently, wasn't it Greyback who bit Remus? Suddenly Tonks loved Remus even more when she thought that he was having to look at Greyback every day...the man who created his hell...how did Remus do that? Tonks would have snapped and killed him (or maimed perhaps) long ago.

_Oh my Remus..._

"What?" Suddenly she realised that people were talking to her, and asking her questions, oh Merlin, come back to earth Tonks! "The security at Hogwarts?" Arthur asked (Dumbledore was away doing...Order stuff...)

"Um...it's fine, everything things fine..." She smiled...fake...and caught Molly's eye, who looked worried, but smiled all the same...

After the meeting, she caught Remus trying to run out the door. She grabbed his wrist, and he flinched visibly and Tonks wailed inside.

"Remus, have you..."

"No Nymphadora, the answers..."

"Tonks, Remus...I...please, just think about it some more. For me."

"I have thought about it...lots...I..." He sighed, and was it just her or did she see darkness, lonelinessin his eyes? She must have imaginedit because it was gone when he spoke again. "I can't put you through the pain it would cause being in a relationship with me, I'm sorry Tonks, my answer's no..."

You would make a wonderful father, Rem... She thought to herself, feeling slightly delusionalBrilliant discipline.

"Excuse me?" He asked, laughing slightly

Oh...she cursed in her mind, she hadn't realised that she had spoken aloud. "I..."

But to Tonks' amazement he stepped forward, a smile on his face. "You really think so?"

She couldn't form words...she couldn't move, he was coming closer...she just nodded dumbly. Closer, closer...and stopped.

_No! _she screamed mentally. This time she knew she hadn't spoken, because she still couldn't form words. He was frozen, biting his lip, pondering, in a very Remus-like way.

"I can't." He said suddenly. "It's not that I don't want to...I just, can't. You have to trust me, you'll be happier in the long run. I'll just cause you pain if we...I can't do that."

"No.." She whispered, tears falling freely. "Remus, please..." She placed her hands on his chest, and felt his heart beating rapidly... "Please, I can't bare the thought of a life without you. I love you, surely..." She swallowed. "Surely their must be something...just something in here" She patted his heart. "That tells you that you can be with me, you can love me, you can..." He couldn't even say the rest. "Please..." Pathetic, she was, really, a stupid little girl...

"There is." Remus muttered, and Tonks' heart lifted. "But I'm not thinking with this." he said, hand clasped round hers, still placed on his chest. "I'm thinking with this." He patted his head, and gave a small smile. "I'm sorry, I truly am."

And with that, he let her go and walked out the door, out of her life.

Maybe forever.

A/N: Oh My God. The word Busy has no meaning here! It's crazy, I've just started College and...work galour. Oh, and congrats to my new Beta Maybelline1802, all Hail her! Thanks!

Oh btw, REVIEW!


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